I have left an inexcusable amount of time between this and my last post. I am undisciplined in the extreme and I have worked out that blogging is not an easy thing to keep up with on a long-term basis. Most genuinely rewarding activities aren’t.
I hope whoever may read this is okay. That is an infuriatingly nebulous term, I know, and completely subjective. But we all have our own concept of okay. I hope you’re meeting yours.
I want to talk about something very briefly: THE PAST.
The past troubles me a lot. I constantly think that I have wasted vast swathes of my life on my phone, in my bed, chasing after boys and shallow friendships. This is probably true.
My old counsellor told me something of value, and it is only now I am paying attention to what it actually means.
The longer you spend mourning the mistakes of the past, the longer you continue doing them.
This is so very true. The longer you spend mourning the damage you have done to yourself, the longer you continue to inflict damage. Every day spent angry about the past is another day you LOSE to the past.
I am sad now about all the time I have allowed myself to waste, when I could have developed skills, qualifications, experiences, genuine relationships!!! All the time I allowed to become redundant.
But I will be much sadder when I look back at this period of self-loathing, added on top of the years of waste that came before. So, what can I do?
Force myself to make change. Force myself to lock the phone away. Force myself to paint, read, swim, walk, resist the bad food and attention-seeking and self-deprecation. FORCE MYSELF!!! Then, it becomes easier.
I love you. Goodnight.